hindsight


High school was rough for me. The majority of my memories there are wrapped up around a boy. A boy named Lucas. He was the new boy in school, the athlete, the intellect.

And I whatever he was selling, I was wholeheartedly buying.

I'd like to say it wasn't much of a relationship, but it was. So much of who I would become was shaped during that time. I learned that smart girls are sexy. That thinking for yourself does matter, and that writing isn't for diaries anymore. That writing helped me feel more like ... me.

But what I wanted most was Lucas. I wanted commitment. But he wanted Carlos Santana's daughter. (Literally. I was passed over for a famous musician's daughter who would take Lucas on world class trips while I just took him to the house for dinner. I shake my head at myself then, sweetly thinking that I actually had a chance. That my personality beat out an all expense paid trip to Hawaii.)

But he told me something. Something I would never forget. He said, "I cant be with you. I would ruin you."

He was right.
He would have.

Because I knew what I wanted most out of life, but I wasn't strong enough to fight for it. Because Lucas was shopping for girls who had everything up for grabs and deep down, everything wasn't something I truly wanted to give.

When I sleep, I dream occasionally, but my dreams are almost always my deepest fears brought to life. Lately it's been finding out I'm pregnant, (We want to wait a few years before we have kids ... I hope that doesn't make me sound ridiculous) but before we got married, my fear dreams always centered around loosing my virginity. Sometimes I would dream that I couldn't even remember how I lost it- I just did. Sometimes it would be more conscious, or involve alcohol, or even worse, rape. But the central theme was always the same: I had lost something precious.

Lucas sensed something in me that I wasn't even fully aware of. And I don't have him to thank- the favor all goes to God. My amazing wonderful savior, who saw my deepest desires and responded accordingly on
my behalf, even when I couldn't.

Because college? College was good to me. And the last bit of my memories there are all wrapped up in a boy. The boy. Tyler.

And because God protected me when I couldn't protect myself, I was able to give my everything to my husband, and he to me, when the time was right. When we both became one, dressed in our best and standing under a bright blue sky.

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