Essay 5 of 52: Release


Release is my word for 2015.

When I decided to choose a word for this upcoming year, I thought a lot about what my goals were. I thought about how good it felt to leave Zumba in 2014. To have Monday nights open again, to have room for something new. "Release" popped into my head almost instantly and it felt perfect. I literally felt my body relaxing, toes uncurling, shoulders loosening.

I am a clutcher by nature. A grudge-holder. A control-keeper. I get mad and I stay mad. I pile up frustrations and guilt like boxes in the attic.

Release.

I want my work to represent me physically and emotionally. I want to release myself from negative self-talk and guilt. I want to release myself from the control of food and shopping and the constant buying of THINGS.

I want to release myself from pressure. The pressure to be so good, so perfect, all the time. So perfect that I can't even apologize or own up to my own mistakes. Isn't that ridiculous? I want to release myself from the desire to always have it my way. From selfishness.

I want to release myself from obligations I no longer want to keep, from friendships and habits that hurt me. I want to release myself from expectations that choke me, that taint what is already good and priceless.

I want to release myself from other's expectations of what I should be, should wear, should buy.

And while I'm letting go of all these things, I want to grasp harder to what really matters: my relationship with my savior, my marriage, and my health.

I want to dig deeper into the Bible, into books, into eating foods that heal me. Into "yes."

I want to be thoughtful and I want to let go.

 

4 comments:

  1. I. Love. Your essays. This one spoke straight to my heart! So many things to release this year--negative feelings, crappy food, etc. Keep writing, lady!

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  2. Oh this totally hit home for me. I love it!

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  3. Thank you so much! I'm happy you can relate. And a big thank you for reading. :)

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